Porn of the Dead is a full hardcore adult zombie movie featuring an all death metal soundtrack. Includes songs by Impaled, Deicide, Exmortem, Decapitated, Gorerotted and Blood Red Thrown.
At a Glance: Porn of the Dead is an effort to combine the gory flesh feasts of zombie films with the whory semen feasts of porno. Dark sets and over-adjusted contrast conceal silly special effects and the cast of uniformly unappealing actresses and actors. There is no overarching plot, just a series of plodding vignettes and vague (often inappropriate) set pieces for zombies and people to fuck each other. The soundtrack is a grinding black metal run-on sentence of garbled screaming that mirrors the erotic effects of running your teeth down a chalkboard.
Nation of Origin: America, summer home of the Great Satan.
Languages: There is only incidental dialogue ("oh, yeah, baby"), which allows Porn of the Dead to be easily translated into German, the obvious target audience for any porn involving eating penises.
Sexual Content: Lots of filthy zombie makeup being smeared across genitalia. The sexual content also includes the old "extreme" lineup of heavy gagging and ass-to-mouth, favorites even your grandparents will remember. Forget about that, though, because this movie is so dark you'll be lucky if you can even make out an ass. Well, not lucky, but you get the idea.
During the Second World War, as the Soviet Union advanced into Germany, the radio propaganda warned that Russian soldiers would wantonly rape German women. When the Russkies started appearing in German towns and cities the women started taking precautions. For some it was slathering their faces in plaster to give themselves an unhealthy appearance. Others committed suicide assuming, probably correctly, that even Russian soldiers wouldn't rape a dead body.
The cast of Porn of the Dead would be well- equipped to avoid roving Russian rape squads as they combine both techniques (being dead and being ugly) in a tidy package. It's a tidy package covered with plaster, black and green paint, oatmeal and whatever other crap the director could find in his garage and pantry.
Porn of the Dead opens with a horrid young lady painted so green that she is almost black shuffling down a street. A man in a van pulls up and directs her into the passenger seat. She seems less like a zombie and more like some sort of sleepwalking nurse. She doesn't try to attack the guy or even resist. When they said the dead would rise to walk the earth I guess I had always assumed they would have some other goal in addition to just walking the earth.
The van guy takes monster nurse back to his sweet bachelor pad which consists of a sinkhole covered with plastic and a floor covered with newspaper. He plops the nurse down in the sinkhole and then chokes her to death. I mean, she was already dead or undead or something, pretty limp, but he goes ahead and chokes her and succeeds in killing her even more. Once she's super dead he goes and puts on a HAZMAT suit and gets an axe to chop her up with.
As you may have guessed from all of the foreshadowing, this prompts her to wake up. She growls and tears open his HAZMAT suit and smears blood everywhere. He's screaming, she's growling, blood is all over the place; it's a mess. At this point in a normal zombie movie it would be chow time, but before that dinner bell rings in Porn of the Dead there are some dongs to be sucked. Rotting Beauty gets to work on the serial thriller, managing to prove in the process that zombies retain their gag reflex postmortem. Hopefully the same doesn't apply for angels or I'm in for a lot of mopping in my afterlife.
The happy couple moves through a series of conventional sexual positions and the undead leading lady transfers about half of her zombie paint over to the guy. As the scene approaches its climactic ending there is little other than spooky contact lenses and sex organs to distinguish one from the other. Finally, the guy fires off a one-gun salute over the face of Corpse Bride.
She seems to like the flavor he's selling, but once he pops she can't stop and apparently everything is a taco salad to zombies. They eat the salad and they ain't stopping at the bottom of the bowl. The man screams as his lover disarms him and his white fountains of mirth become red cascades of agony.
Oh, thank goodness, it was all just a really bad porno movie.
The dreamy second scene begins with a pig-tailed blonde abusing herself on a bed. After a few minutes of panting and skewering her sexual fantasy is revealed: a horrible oaty green monster is giving her oral sex! Zombanova makes out with her groin for a few minutes and then checks her oil with his dip stick. Yep, looks like she's half a quart low on goopy green paint, better juice her up!
Blondie and zombie tango in a shadowy fantasy land. There is a lot of gagging, drooling and a heapin' helpin' of hepatitis from so good old ass-to-mouth. That's where a zombie puts a penis in a woman's ass, takes it out and then she gets an incurable disease from eating her own feces off his penis. Maybe in the Porn of the Dead mythos that's how zombies are created. Meteors, comets, fallen satellites and now ass-to-mouth. The zombie legend is enriched once again.
After the obligatory facial we discover it was all a dream. Or a nightmare. Or neither, because I'm still reviewing this fucking horrible movie and I haven't woken up yet!
You're watching a porno movie about us filming a porno movie. Is your mind freakin' blown yet?
The third scene is meta as fuck and features a porno crew filming a really terrible porno film and, get this, it's actually in a really terrible porno film! Oh man, look out Tristram Shandy. Three zombie dudes, two of whom look like the Incredible Hulk, bum rush the set of the porno movie and eat the crew. The male actor manages to escape, but the woman remains on her hands and knees the whole time.
Maybe she dropped a contact lens.
Whatever the reason for her paralysis, the zombies take advantage of it and lay a bundle of pipe in her. After they grind their body paint into her, they finish off with a triple threat in her mouth that leaves her looking like a head of lettuce covered in Elmer's Glue. One other notable thing about this scene is that the woman's breast implants are so bad that I would probably rather fuck the heart that got ripped out of one of the crew members.
The fourth scene takes place in a vague suggestion of a morgue with a Jesse James clone in a trucker hat inspecting a dead body on a slab. He draws on the power of his myriad tattoos (or something) and breathes a little life back into the cadaver. The pair go at it in highly rudimentary fashion, made worse by the grotesque corpse makeup and even more grotesque tattoos. I'm not talking a heart on an ankle or a naked lady on an arm, I'm talking the fucking Illustrated Man.
The scene ends happily with not a chomped off wang in sight.
Do you jack off to Sutter Cain?!
Disproving the old adage that good things come to those who wait, the fifth and final scene seems almost to be a reprisal of the first scene. A room covered with way-edgy crucifix graffiti is inhabited by a nude woman lying in a pool of blood. She seems pretty dead, but a Gordon Freeman look-a-like won't sign a death certificate until he has put her through the paces.
What do you know, after some coaxing the old gal wakes right up and starts taking shaft like an archery target. Horrible black metal churns away as the loving couple gags and half-pukes and grunts all over each other. It's scenes like this one that remind me why 9/11 happened.
After the obligatory footage of a man ejaculating the lucky hombre gets decockitated by his lifeless lover. He wails, she chews and the scene ends with her gnawing on some intestines. Whew.
The Horror: The penis biting gets a wince, but they're both pretty unsatisfying and fake looking. I say unsatisfying, because honestly, if I'm going to sit through over an hour of grainy too-dark footage of dudes fucking corpse women that just look like mossy rocks with eyes then I want to see a realistic penis being torn off. Someone needs to believably suffer for this and I mean someone besides me.
The Bottom Line: There is nothing redeeming about this movie. It is too murky to function as pornography, too fake to function as a horror movie and it has a repulsive theme sure to send shockwaves through the Bible Belt and prompt vague "crackdowns" on obscenity. The women are all either ugly or made up so that you can't tell if they are attractive. Porn of the Dead is just one big unappealing mess. Having said that, I can appreciate the clear moral lesson this movie teaches: never fuck a corpse unless you are a woman with big fake tits or you are Jesse James from Monster Garage.
[Ofrecido] Porn Of The Dead (Death Metal) (2006)
Formato: Avi, Xvid, DVDRip, Full Movie.
